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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lets Make Out

I've been meaning to write this post for a while but I've been holding off because it's definitely personal and I know various friends read my blog. But the whole point of my blog was to be a creative and emotional outlet, so here goes. All of the events described below occurred various weeks ago.

For swim we had a meet in Burlingame a couple of weekends ago and the team ended up getting food after. In swim and in national group theres this sort of hierarchy and its kind of clique-y. I was feeling sort of "lonely/bored" so I debated whether or not to message S. Lauren and John both encourage me to message him so I did and on the way home form Burlingame S replied. I started out the conversation talking about football since its a topic that he is very familiar with. We ended up talking about college and by this time we had been texting for a couple hours. I was ecstatic because I had thought that the weirdness was finally dissipating and that we actually had a chance at being normal friends. Then out of the blue this happens.
*Read left to right

As you can imagine, I was freaking out badly. Thankfully Catherine and Sandy were awake to help me out with the whole situation. I was so confused and just in a "WTF" state of mind. Honestly I didn't know what to think about this strange request and I didn't actually think that people did things like this. I can't say I'm not flattered but at the same time I was thinking about how "not OK" this was. I wanted to know why he was asking me this. Did he like me? Was he just in it for the physical stuff? Was I just a disposable object that he could use? (I never found the answer to any of these questions) I mean I can/could get over this whole situation and be friends, because that's honestly what I want. I've tried talking to him to rekindle the friendship but his lack of interest is apparent and there's nothing I can really do about that except move on since he evidently has.

It might seem like I'm a big deal out of this by talking about it so much but it's not really anymore. I just feel like its the only interesting thing to talk about. I don't want to talk about college or school because stress has already taken over my life. I guess by talking about boys its a way I can feel like a flippant teenage girl who has nothing to worry about. I think its a defense mechanism or something. I know that all of my interactions with boys are irrelevant and not important and I shouldn't worry about any of it, but its a way for me to avoid doing college apps or homework.

I guess this post should have come before the other to make fully sense of what happened in chronological order. So you can read this and then reread the other if you want. Its your choice.


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