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Friday, October 31, 2014


Throughout my high school career I've always wanted to wear a football jersey. Seeing girls on game days dressed in their significant others' uniforms made me really envious; not because their boyfriends were on the team but that they got to represent a player. Senior year is supposed to be the year where, after college apps and standardized testing, you go do things you wouldn't normally because YOLO its the last year in high school.

In Stats I've befriended a classmate, Michael, and I told him about how I had always wanted to wear a jersey. He suggested that I ask someone(real original); I don't know many people on the team other than S and I clearly wasn't going to ask him for his jersey especially since I'm pretty sure he and Penny may have a thing(they went to homecoming together). The only other person I (sort of) knew on the team was Jkim. We had English together last year and we currently snapchat on and off. I thought it'd be weird if I asked him since there was a sort of awkward tension between us but I decided to squash my anxiety and just go for it.

On Wednesday at break I was in the general vicinity of where he hangs out. I was going to ask him then but he was with friends and I didn't want to ask him in front of them because it was way too intimidating. When the bell rang for 4th period he and some of his friends started walking towards my direction. Baba was with him and I had Econ with him next so I saw an opening. I joined him and started talking to him about Econ while trying to talk to Jkim. Peculiarly Jkim acted strange and didn't look at me and walked to class very quickly.

In Econ I went over to Baba's desk so that I could ask for advice. He helped me and when the bell rang for lunch he went with me to look for Jkim. We ended up walking to the parking lot to see if we could intercept him before he left and just when Baba told me he thought that Jkim had probably left I saw him and pointed him out. Baba told me that I could do the next part by myself and left against my protest. I went over to Jkim and started small talk about the game on friday and if he was ready. He was walking really fast to get to a meeting I found out about later out; luckily it wasn't that weird/awkward so I proceeded with my request. I asked him if anyone was wearing his jersey and he told me that his sister was and when I said "Ohhhh ok" he quickly apologized and said that he would give me his jersey for senior night if I wanted to come. ^_^ Of course I said yes and we parted ways because I had to go to a LINK meeting and he had to go his football meeting. According to Michael, he walked into his meeting pretty happy so of course that made me happy ehehhe. I can't wait for Senior night and if me wearing Jkim's jersey has any other effects on other players of the team then it'll be a win-win.


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lets Make Out

I've been meaning to write this post for a while but I've been holding off because it's definitely personal and I know various friends read my blog. But the whole point of my blog was to be a creative and emotional outlet, so here goes. All of the events described below occurred various weeks ago.

For swim we had a meet in Burlingame a couple of weekends ago and the team ended up getting food after. In swim and in national group theres this sort of hierarchy and its kind of clique-y. I was feeling sort of "lonely/bored" so I debated whether or not to message S. Lauren and John both encourage me to message him so I did and on the way home form Burlingame S replied. I started out the conversation talking about football since its a topic that he is very familiar with. We ended up talking about college and by this time we had been texting for a couple hours. I was ecstatic because I had thought that the weirdness was finally dissipating and that we actually had a chance at being normal friends. Then out of the blue this happens.
*Read left to right

As you can imagine, I was freaking out badly. Thankfully Catherine and Sandy were awake to help me out with the whole situation. I was so confused and just in a "WTF" state of mind. Honestly I didn't know what to think about this strange request and I didn't actually think that people did things like this. I can't say I'm not flattered but at the same time I was thinking about how "not OK" this was. I wanted to know why he was asking me this. Did he like me? Was he just in it for the physical stuff? Was I just a disposable object that he could use? (I never found the answer to any of these questions) I mean I can/could get over this whole situation and be friends, because that's honestly what I want. I've tried talking to him to rekindle the friendship but his lack of interest is apparent and there's nothing I can really do about that except move on since he evidently has.

It might seem like I'm a big deal out of this by talking about it so much but it's not really anymore. I just feel like its the only interesting thing to talk about. I don't want to talk about college or school because stress has already taken over my life. I guess by talking about boys its a way I can feel like a flippant teenage girl who has nothing to worry about. I think its a defense mechanism or something. I know that all of my interactions with boys are irrelevant and not important and I shouldn't worry about any of it, but its a way for me to avoid doing college apps or homework.

I guess this post should have come before the other to make fully sense of what happened in chronological order. So you can read this and then reread the other if you want. Its your choice.


Saturday, October 11, 2014

SATurday ~ 10.11.14

Between college apps, swimming, school, and studying for standardized testing I haven't been able to blog much, but now that I'm done with the SAT I have some downtime.

So the SAT was today. Surprisingly it was a lot easier than I remember, but I might not want to say anything because I don't want to jinx my score. When I got to the testing center I saw Kelly walking towards my way and I didn't realize that she was taking the SAT too; there were a lot of Leland students at ST today. Ashlyn and Rishi ended up being in the same room as me too which proved very beneficial during the breaks. >:) Before the test started Kelly and I were chatting and for some reason I had a feeling that this would happen, almost like a premonition sort of feeling, S walks into the room. After a brief eye contact moment, I turned away and continued to talk to Kelly.

During the test we got several breaks in between sections and in the first break S bolted out of the room; Kelly, Rishi, Ashlyn and I walked out and just started walking towards the bathrooms because there wasn't anywhere we could go with a 5 minute period. While we walked we discussed the problems to the test and "collaborated". S walked past us back to the room. During the second break, we walked out and S followed behind but left again to go who-knows-where. During the third break, the collab group just stayed outside the classroom talking and S left and came back but was walking awkwardly around and I guess at then I should have included him because he seemed left out without knowing anyone(which is actually not true because he knew both Kelly and Rishi form ASB).

He could have talked with us but we may have seemed exclusive when we circled to collaborate. But I suppose I should have included him asking maybe what he got for certain problems or just overall what he thought of the test. I think what was holding me back was that I didn't want to get into it again; after months of weirdness and just miscommunication and mind games I didn't know if I wanted to go down that road again or if he even wanted to go there. My attempts at friendship were met with what seemed like hostility and indifference. If he didn't want to be friends(despite his words, his actions showed differently) than I guess all I can do is try and respect that. Last week he was in a picture with a girl that he used to date, Brianna; I've never really had a problem with jealousy, but I always had a feeling that Brianna never liked me this was before I even started talking to S and personally I'm not a huge fan of B but she's never done anything bad to me so I can't really say anything. The fact that S was willing to be friends with Brianna and not me kind of hurt. Not in the emotional/cheesy way where my heart feels like its broken(cause tbh I don't even know if I have one anymore) but more mentally like my ego was hurt. He's okay with being friends with her but not me and being second tier isn't the greatest feeling. But I mean he is just a boy.

This turned out to be more of a rambling post, rather than a specific one but eff it ✌.

-SAT was aight'
-S was there, didn't talk to each other
-Background info on S from past couple weeks